meaCULPA monAMOUR

Gary Go - Wonderful

The person that you were has died
You’ve lost the sparkle in your eyes
You fell for life into its traps
Now you wanna bridge the gaps
Now you wanna bridge the gaps
Now you want that person back

And all your ammunition’s gone
Run out of fuel to carry on
You don’t know what you wanna do
You’ve got no pull to pull you through

I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to accept how weak and helpless I felt this past Thanksgiving. I had a meltdown. A breakdown of emotions. I cried at a drop of the hat. I cried when I was alone in my room. I cried in the shower. I couldn’t help tearing up whenever I was around my parents. I couldn’t control it. I was just so tired from it all. It hit me hard. It hit me good. I still haven’t fully recovered. I’m still in limbo land. I’m not able to fully converse with people. Whenever I bring myself back to that weekend, I start reliving it. I start feeling all the emotions I experienced. I need a glass of wine to calm myself down. I need valerian root to keep calm and not freak out again. I just really need a break. I wish I hadn’t pushed myself all these years. I just couldn’t stop myself. It’s my blessing and my curse. I just really screwed myself this time. I just really wish I could redo these past two weeks. I was so freaked out over Trial Law that I didnt realize my research (senior thesis) paper would suffer. I can’t believe I let myself be so weak and helpless. I think that’s the part that freaks me out the most. What if it happens again? It’s one thing to procrastinate so much that I get myself in these positions. I can learn to control procrastination. But there is nothing I can do to help breaking down the way I did. It makes me feel so out of control. I can try to do less and keep sane and prevent these meltdowns. But what if the damage is done? What if I just can’t stop myself from freaking out again? I’m just scared. I’m scared of my own mind. It’s a powerful thing. It’s easy to get lost within my own thoughts. I don’t know if I stand a chance if I get sucked back in.

As a comedian once said, “If you weren’t alive during the Depression, you don’t have it!” This has always been my philosophy. I’m not sure it is anymore. Somehow life just got harder. I guess I woke up from my naive fairytale slumber. I shouldn’t complain; I picked my hand. I made my bed and now I’ve gotta sleep in it. I just hope I wake up to a better reality.

Where did this year go? It’s left me drained.

I think I’ve lost my ambition. I think I’ve lost my drive. I think I’ve lost myself.

Today I am Twenty. I can never read another daily teen horoscope again. I can no longer brag about how I am 19 and graduating college this year. I am in that in between zone. Between teenage mania and legal liberties. As much as I appreciate New Years Resolutions, it’s all about the Birthday Resolutions:

1. Be happy. Stop with all this emo bullshit. Start listening to happier music.

2. Don’t let myself get to the point were I cry from pure exhaustion.

3. Don’t try to do everything. I am only one person.

4. Wake up in the morning and stare out the window. Let myself wander.

5. Be healthy. Don’t sabotage myself. I can’t afford it.

6. Be there for my family as much as they are there for me.

7. Talk to as many people as possible. Listen to them.

8. Seek advice from everyone. Each person has at least one valuable thing to tell me. Don’t underestimate people. And don’t forget to take at least some of that advice.

9. Stop procrastinating my life away. Don’t let it pass me by.

10. Do what I need to do. Other people live their lives. So can I.

11. Don’t take for granted anything. I am one of the lucky few. Keep it all in perspective.

12. Keep in touch with more people. Try harder. People give back what they receive. Give a little more.

13. Plan out my “year off.” Where will I work? When will I study for the GRE? What schools will I apply to? Will I go for a Masters or a PhD? What field should I study? What do I want to research? Figure it out.

14. Work a little. Get an internship. Get a job. Get some experience out in the real world. Stop relying on misconceptions of what it takes.

15. Live a little. Go travel. Go do something daring. Do something my parents might not approve of, but I want desperately to try. Make a few stories.

16. Take up a hobby. Watching old tv shows isn’t a hobby. Take up knitting. Take up scrap booking. Take up rock climbing. Take up hiking. Take up karate. Take up yoga or kickboxing. Do something to “get away from it all.”

17. Learn something practical. Learn some useful carpentry. Learn to cook russian food. Learn to bake from scratch.

18. Go dancing. Real dancing involves more than just grinding, it takes skill. Perhaps a nice waltz. Or just stick to salsa or belly dancing. Let myself go. Let my body express what I am feeling even if my words cannot.

19. Wear more skirts. Wear high heels and pretty sandals. Wear dresses. I need to be a little more feminine. I need to realize that I don’t have to wear jeans my whole life. I may be bigger than most people, but I’m still a girl.

20. I should stop avoiding relationships. I need to stop being such a commitment phobe. I always push away when a guy tries to get too close. I need to stop doing that. I don’t need to lower my standards. I just need to let myself get close enough to someone to actually be able to say I don’t want to be with them. Maybe what I find will surprise me.

21. (I should stop with 20 but since I’m now on the path to being twenty-one…) Realize I’m young. Stop comparing myself to people who are older than me. I have done quite a bit in the short time that I have been alive. I don’t need to be in such a race to get everything done quicker than everyone else. I’m in such a rush to start living that I don’t realize life is passing me by. I need to act my age at least some of the time.

Twenty years old gets me twenty resolutions (and one for good luck)!

I will NOT stop trying. I am simply going to stop trying to do everything at once. I am only one person. I am not even 20 and have already experienced enough panic/ anxiety attacks and breakdowns for a life time. I will not make myself sicker. I will take it one class at a time if I need to. I will breathe. I will relax. I will not cry. I will not crumble beneath the wait of my world. I will pick myself up and get back up on a different horse. I tried it my way, now it’s time to try it another way. People kept telling me to take a year off, to stop rushing. I now realize why. I’m burnt out. I started rushing and taking on too much in high school and never really slowed down. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. If it’s one thing, usually there are three other things I am trying to do at the same time. I am spreading myself too thin. I feel it. My classes are suffering because of it. I may have to withdraw from a class or try to drop it because if I don’t I may not pass the course. My other two classes are up in the air as well. I just don’t know. I just need to breathe. I am thankful for my parents. They are a blessing. They are so amazing that it makes me want to do better, and I feel that pressure to succeed and take it overboard. They want me to stop doing this to myself. I think the cruise to mexico the week immediately after finals will be bliss. It will be just what the doctor ordered. I think taking more time to finish my degree is for the best. I won’t be applying to grad schools this year. I won’t be taking the GRE. I can stop trying to study them in a rush and not study for other things because of it. I will likely finish at the end of the summer. I will use the following year to figure out what it is I want to do with my life. I will use that time to try out different careers through internships or working. Maybe I will take a community college class to keep myself motivated. I will use the time to properly study for the GRE and to apply to grad schools. I will stop trying to rush. I will stop trying to do everything. I will stop spreading myself too thin.

Maybe if I repeat what I wrote above enough times I will accept it as reality. I’m still struggling with the idea.

Who am I kidding? Even if I take a year off I’ll be doing a million and a half things just to feel like I’m being productive and not wasting my time.

Will I ever learn?

But I forget: Maybe if I repeat what I wrote above enough times I will accept it as reality. I’m still struggling with the idea. I WILL learn. THAT’s the point. If I take on too much I can’t give my all to any of it. I need to be strategic. I need to breathe. I need to wipe the tears from my puffy eyes and sleep. I just need to stop and look both ways before I cross the street of the rest of my life.

BREATHE. SLEEP. DO WHAT I CAN. DON’T STRESS. JUST KEEP GOING.

Sleep sounds good right now…